Requiem
by PerhapsItRains
Summary: Flashbacks from Kenshin's past haunt him...how will he deal with it and what will his suffering do to the people around him? (KK, maybe some other couples later on). CH. 6 UP!
1. Lost in Blood

A/N: Hey, minna-san! This is my first fanfic, so please be kind! If the title and Ch. Titles don't make much sense now, just wait, they will!  
  
Disclaimer: I own a little Kenshin statue, and a little Sanosuke statue, and ..oh, well, who am I kidding? I DON'T OWN RUROUNI KENSHIN!!! So.please don't sue me, I'm just a penniless student..  
  
And on with the fic!  
  
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Chapter 1: Lost in Blood ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Sweat.  
  
Blood.  
  
Tears.  
  
The building blocks of the Meji Era. Blood, freely flowing from living veins before lives are taken. The days of the Revolution, where manslayers wreaked a reign of terror, leaving a trail of blood in their wake. And the greatest of these, known only as manslayer, as the Hitokiri Battousai...  
  
Kenshin Himura sat under a tree, bodies littering the ground around him. Quickly tearing strips from his tattered gi, he bound his arm tightly, stopping the flow of blood staining his skin and dripping onto his hakama and gi.  
  
"Battousai!" a cry ripped through the woody battleground as a man stood out in the open, then took off running towards Kenshin.  
  
"What do you want?" a cold voice seemed to rip through Kenshin's throat, his yellow eyes blazing as he anticipated battle and bloodshed.  
  
"I...want your life...you killed so many of my comrades..." the man gasped.  
  
"And you...will be joining them." Kenshin flexed his arm, testing the tightness of the bandages. Slowly, he licked blood off his sword as he circled into a fighting stance.  
  
Yelling, the two swordsmen ran at each other, swords being pulled from their sheaths as their sandaled feet hit the wet, cold ground, stained with old and new blood.  
  
"Die!" Kenshin's eyes blazed as his sword bit into the man's heart, tasting blood again.  
  
Faces switched, times changed.  
  
Faces.  
  
Blood.  
  
Falling, the man's sword caught Kenshin's cheek, carving its way until the man fell, limp, to join the bodies littering the forest floor.  
  
Kenshin's breath caught, as he put a hand up to his cheek, feeling sticky blood begin to flow.  
  
'Stupid.' He thought. 'I must be tired...to drop my guard and let something that stupid happen.'  
  
He brought his hand back in front of his face. There was blood running off of it. Frowning, he knelt by a small, cold stream, washing off the blood. Holding out his sword, he flicked the droplets of blood off of it and sheathed it. Tearing yet another strip of cloth from his gi, he wet it in the stream and held it to his face, deep in thought, still berating himself for being so careless.  
  
'Stupid. Stupid. How could I be so careless?'  
  
Wincing as he applied pressure to the wound, Kenshin narrowed his amber eyes as he surveyed his surroundings.  
  
'I suppose I can stay here for the night.'  
  
He slumped against a tree, sword across his knees as he closed his eyes, senses all completely awake and on guard as he let his brain sleep. He knew that if anything were to happen, his instincts would take over.  
  
Sleep does not come easily to a manslayer.  
  
Faces. So many of them.  
  
The face of Hiko Seijuro, warning against involvement in the war...the face of the man he had just killed...  
  
Faces.  
  
Eyes clouded in death, clouded in hate, clouded in fear.  
  
The smell of blood. Covering everything, staining the heart, the soul. Blood-red vision, the narrow slits of his own yellow eyes. The last thing they would see before they died.the last thing so many people had come to fear and hate, had seen in their last seconds.  
  
Blood. So much of it.  
  
Blood.  
  
Stains.  
  
Everything it touches.  
  
'My...hands...'  
  
Faces.  
  
So many of them, the faces of death...coming back to haunt...  
  
"Nooooooooo!!!"  
  
Kenshin sat up, sweaty and breathing hard, woken by his own tortured screams. He looked at his hands, as if expecting them to be dripping blood.  
  
Looking around, he remembered. He was safe...for now. In his own bed in the dojo, in his own twisted and tangled sheets. But...the ghosts of the revolution, haunting him at every turn, seemed to come back every night worse than the previous.  
  
'But...'  
  
Kenshin thought.  
  
'I have not dreamed...the revolution...so real in years...why now? And why...'  
  
Kenshin's hand reached up to touch his scar. His violet eyes widened in shock as he felt blood. Slowly, dreading what he might see, he brought his hand down to his face.  
  
Clean.  
  
'But...I felt it...'  
  
"It was real!" He whispered.  
  
Kenshin's body stiffened as he heard footsteps outside.  
  
'Kaoru-dono. I have wakened her...again. Best to pretend sleep and not worry her.'  
  
Kenshin quickly closed his eyes and laid back down on his futon as he heard soft footsteps outside the shoji.  
  
"Kenshin?" a soft voice called out quietly, gently.  
  
'Kaoru-dono.'  
  
Slowly the shoji screen slid open, and Kenshin felt Kaoru's gaze linger on his face before it closed again and he heard her soft footsteps recede.  
  
Slowly, he opened his eyes, gazing at the ceiling.  
  
'Once a manslayer, always a manslayer.'  
  
He sighed, fingering his scar.  
  
'Faces...blood...Why are my dreams always haunted, the gentler ones overwhelmed? Lost.... in blood. Why, every time I try to sleep, am I drowning in blood and painful memories?'  
  
He closed his eyes, hoping, praying, that sleep would come.  
  
But sleep does not come easily to a manslayer...  
  
In her room, Kaoru sat on her futon, looking at the shoji she had just walked through. She sighed, a single tear threatening to spill down her face.  
  
'Kenshin. Why do you suffer so much? You insist on being lonely, unhappy....do you really want to be tortured for the rest of your life?'  
  
"Kenshin."  
  
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Hey, minna-san, hope you enjoyed reading this! Gomen if it's a little short, but I want to make sure you people like it before I write a lot more. So, if you review, I promise the next Ch. will be longer. The more reviews, the longer the Ch. Is and the sooner it gets posted.SO PLEASE REVIEW! Yes, that little button over there, click it and I will be sooo happy ^_^ .. 5 Reviews gets another Chapter, 10 gets it up by Wednesday! REVIEW! 


	2. Blissful Nightmares

A/N: OK, thankyou to all my wonderful reviewers and thanks to Chiki for pointing out the numerous errors in the first chapter and telling me how to correct them. I'll post a revised version soon. Thanks, people! This chapter will be a little less bloody, for all those who have your suspicions about me being a vampire-ess (yes, Kateri, I'm referring to you.) ^.^...I think I just wanted to show in more detail exactly what Kenshin is suffering from...I so love to torture the characters I love!..hehe..so, if I haven't scared you off yet, please read and review this chapter.  
  
Disclaimer: Yes, we have gone over this, all I own is a little Kenshin statue, not the show or anything..-_-..  
  
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Chapter 2: Blissful Nightmares  
  
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In her room, Kaoru sat on her futon, looking at the shoji she had just walked through. She sighed, a single tear threatening to spill down her face.  
  
'Kenshin. Why do you suffer so much? You insist on being lonely, unhappy...do you really want to be tortured for the rest of your life?'  
  
"Kenshin."  
  
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Dreams...they can be pleasant...they can be nightmares...but the worst ones...are both...  
  
Snow swirled in the air, blocking Kenshin's vision. Blood ran down from his face, dripping from his eyes and ears. Yet still he struggled onwards. Dark and pain-filled eyes were focused only on the path in front of him.  
  
'Tomoe...'  
  
Breathing harshly, he looked at the sky. The snow was coming down with drops of blood, mingling with the sweat and tears on his face. The body of the dead man was cut in half, and the blood spurting from his body was beginning to freeze on Kenshin's hands.  
  
'Tomoe...'  
  
.........  
  
'When time is against you...'  
  
He was catching her falling body, his hair, his clothes, his tears...all blood...  
  
Her smile...radiant as she cut into his cheek with her knife...as she stabbed through his heart, sealing their fate with a kiss as they died together...blissful death....blissful nightmare....  
  
'No...this is not how it happened...'  
  
Suddenly it was a different person he held in his arms. Sapphire blue eyes gazed into Kenshin's own, as the knife cut into his face. A different person died in his arms...  
  
'Had this been...the way it was...all along...? What...is real...  
  
Kenshin stood in a graveyard. In front of him were three large stones. Behind these were two large wooden crosses. Blue silk was draped around both of them. Kenshin looked at the freshly turned earth in front on the graves. In front of one cross was a red flower, petals of the same color scattered around the base of the cross. Kenshin picked up the flower, and it turned to a puddle of blood, running down his hand to drip painfully off his fingertips.  
  
The other grave. Kenshin fell to his knees in front of it, trying to cry, wishing the tears would come, but for some reason not able to shed them. On the ground, a bright blue butterfly writhed in pain, caught in its last throes of death. Kenshin's violet eyes misted over in pain, as he realized whose graves he sat in front of, wracked with dry sobs.  
  
'Are they really dead...by my hands...'  
  
Snow. Falling from the sky, as red petals spotted the ground, as a bright blue butterfly flew towards the sun...  
  
...as the blood from his hands was washed away by his tears..  
  
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"Megumi!"  
  
The doctor looked out a window of the clinic, alarmed at the desperate sound of the cry.  
  
"Kaoru!"  
  
The doctor ran outside as soon as she saw the desperate and tear-streaked face of the younger woman.  
  
"What's wrong? Is it Ken-san?"  
  
"He...won't wake up, and is burning up from fever!"  
  
Megumi grabbed her medical bag and rushed from the clinic, dragging Kaoru with her.  
  
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Megumi placed her hand on Kenshin's forehead, sharply drawing in breath as she felt the extreme heat that was emanating from Kenshin's body as a result of his high fever.  
  
"Megumi? Will he..."  
  
Megumi turned on Kaoru, a furious expression on her pale face.  
  
"Stupid girl! Don't even think that anything will happen to Ken-san! Don't doubt him...he'll live."  
  
She turned away from Kaoru, facing the door as she made to leave.  
  
"He'll live...for you."  
  
Megumi ran from the room, hoping Kaoru had not noticed the emotion thickening her voice. Tears obscuring her vision, she did not see him until it was too late.  
  
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Sanosuke had no time to move as Megumi ran into him, her face burying into his chest. He felt her crying into his shirt and gently put his arms around her. He heard her gasp, and quickly back up. More tears welled in her eyes as she looked at him with....  
  
'Hate?!....but....why?!'  
  
"Leave me alone, Sagara. Don't ask."  
  
Sanosuke felt hurt. She had obviously been crying before she ran into him. Why was she so upset?......  
  
Suddenly it dawned on him that she was upset over Kenshin. A wave of jealousy surged over him.  
  
'Everyone just cares about Kenshin. The fox...was worried about him...but she's never shed tears over me. She's...in love with him. And I...I'm...in love...with her.'  
  
Sanosuke slowly turned back the way he had come, and quietly sat on the dojo steps, head in his hands as he tried to sort out his mixed emotions.  
  
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Kaoru knelt on the floor next to Kenshin's still form, tears tracing their way down her face.  
  
'Kenshin. Please get better. You must get better. '  
  
She lifted one of her hands from her lap, touching a lock of his hair that framed his face.  
  
"Kenshin."  
  
'Please. You haven't been yourself lately. I'm so worried. Please get better. You promised...not to leave.'  
  
"Kenshin. Is it true? That you...love me? Or...was she...lying?"  
  
Kaoru put her hand up to his face and gently touched it, lightly tracing his scar with her fingertips. Her eyes widened as she looked at his closed eyes and saw tears oozing out from under his dark lashes. They ran down his face, sparkling slightly in the dark.  
  
"Kenshin...what are you dreaming of? What did you do to deserve this torture? Even you deserve to be happy sometime..."  
  
Gently she took a corner of her apron and wiped his tears away, making a silent promise. 'Kenshin. I will always be here for you.'  
  
Slowly she stood, wiping her tears, before she went to tell Megumi that his fever seemed to be going down.  
  
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Kenshin sat across the table from Tomoe. He heard himself tell her how he now understood the meaning of peace. How she had shown him what it meant.  
  
He heard her confessing her previous thoughts for revenge.  
  
"This is the kind of woman I am..."  
  
He saw...she fell against him...  
  
'I forgave her, even though...'  
  
"I....will...I will...protect you."  
  
"Ashiteru...anata..."  
  
Fireflies.  
  
"Sayonara, and thank you for everything."  
  
'I will not lose her as well.'  
  
Falling...  
  
"Live on, Kenshin..."  
  
"Our fates have already been decided...live, Shinta, you must live!"  
  
"Kaoru!!!!"  
  
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Ok, so it was still a little bloody...Hopefully the whole dream/reality thing wasn't too confusing.....^_^0....I fixed all the mistakes in the first chapter, so it should be easier to read now. So please, whether it be flames, praise, questions, WHATEVER, please REVIEW!!! Also, what characters should I introduce next?? And do you people think I should keep this strictly K+K, or should I continue the little S+M thing going on here? TELL ME! Yes, just click that little button on the bottom left-hand corner...review, please, people!! ^_^ 


	3. Of the Past

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. Ouch. That's like hammering a nail through my foot. -_-...  
  
A/N: Hey, all you wonderful readers out there!! Here is Ch. 3- yeah, im really, really sorry it took so long for me to post this, butI just took PSATs and ive had so many tests and papers...plus I'm taking Japanese classes, which are awesome, but there is so much stuff to memorize! It's insane!! Also, I didn't get that many reviews for Chapter 2...ahem. Aanyway, this might be kinda different from the other Chapters. I'm trying to do a little more romance, a little less angst. Of course, I don't exactly know how it's going to turn out...but I am going to hold off on the dreams and flashbacks for a little while. Otherwise it gets repetitive...so, all you absolute and total angst fans out there, please don't run away!! Its not waffy or anything!! Oh, yeah...please review! Even mild flames and criticism!! Tell me if you like this!! Ahem. Please.  
  
Also, be careful and pay attention when reading. POVs change a lot without warning, since I know all you intelligent people will understand it if you put your minds to it...  
  
Lastly, thanks to Crystal Renee and KenshinKaoru4ever for reviewing Ch. 2. I'm so glad you guys liked it ^_^ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 3: Of the Past  
  
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'I forgave her, even though...'  
  
"I...will...I will...protect you."  
  
"Ashiteru...anata..."  
  
Fireflies.  
  
"Sayonara, and thank you for everything."  
  
'I will not lose her as well.'  
  
Falling...  
  
"Live on, Kenshin..."  
  
"Our fates have already been decided...live, Shinta, you must live!"  
  
"Kaoru!!!!"  
  
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Kaoru was sitting on the edge of her futon, head in hands a she reflected on the events of the past few days. Kenshin was troubled by his past. She knew that, and had accepted it from the beginning...but now...now he seemed to be plagued by nightmares, his past not only haunting his dreams, but overwhelming his happy memories. The person he was...he seemed so different now...like he did not care about anything anymore. And yet...he still wanted to protect her, and to live. And why wouldn't he tell her anything? She knew about Tomoe...he had told her after Enishi...but...why did he feel he had to suffer alone, no one to talk to, no one...  
  
'He doesn't love you, Kaoru.' She silently told herself. 'He is still in love with Tomoe. You have never told him how you felt, never...because...because you didn't want to be first, you didn't want to think about being rejected. And so...'  
  
"I wish it was true. I wish Megumi was right. I...wish..."  
  
She stood up and looked in her mirror.  
  
"Do you, Kenshin? Do you....love..."  
  
Kaoru was cut off as she heard someone yell her name. She gasped.  
  
"Kenshin!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Because love is the worst pain and insanity is the best painkiller. Because for some...Believing means lying to yourself.  
  
Kenshin sat up, dark purple eyes wide, his face white. 'I dreamed it all. I am here, and I did not kill anyone since...'  
  
He dropped his head onto his knees, wrapping his arms around them. Unable to finish the thought, he tried not to think anything. Tried to make his mind go blank...  
  
"Kenshin?" came Kaoru's voice, worried and...sad.  
  
'I am fine, Kaaoru-dono. I am...fine.'  
  
"Kenshin..." she said with a sigh.  
  
"I know something's not right. Please...can't you tell me? I...why won't you say anything?"  
  
Kenshin looked at the closed door.  
  
'Please. I ...need to be alone right now.'  
  
"Why did you call out my name? What's wrong?" she sounded...he wasn't sure.  
  
'I...that's right. I...thought I killed her. I guess...I should try to tell her at least.'  
  
'Yes, Kaoru-dono, I will try to tell you what's wrong. Gomen nasai.' All this he tried to say, wanted to say. But couldn't. Because he was selfish. Because he was unworthy. Because he didn't want to tell her that he thought she was dead. That he had killed her himself. That...  
  
He raised his head when he heard the shoji slide open.  
  
"Kenshin..." He could see her face in the dark. She looked worried about him, worried that something was wrong. And there was something else...  
  
'Could....she really be that worried...about...me? I...don't think I can explain. Ashe knows about my past...a little. She knows the facts. But how could she ever understand the emotion...the...and...yet she still wants me to be happy, she still wants to know more about...what happened. She has no bitter feelings, no...she...'  
  
His thought processes were abruptly cut off as she knelt down beside him, putting a hand on his arm.  
  
"Kenshin."  
  
He couldn't look at her. He refused to. He would refuse to acknowledge her presence. He was too guilty, too filled with demons.  
  
'Demons.'  
  
Because it was not...  
  
'What is the difference...between memories and dreams...between life and death...between love...and hate...? If the pain of living...breaks the blissful insanity...will I become blind...and see what was always there?  
  
If your thoughts...and your words...are two different things...and at the same time...that you see THEM bleed...your own blood stains your hands. Are you too lost to be pulled from the abyss? Are you too far gone...to come back? If what THEY say is true...and your past is your future...then won't history repeat itself?  
  
And if a hell-bound hitokiri falls in love...if a legendary manslayer can cry...then who says the world isn't upside-down? And in case the world survives...THEY always have a back-up plan. Because you tell the demons to shut up and they get louder.  
  
And you see your blood, you see the bodies. When you scream for mercy...they keep laughing. Because when there is a hiatus...a lapse...and for just a moment you are sane...it hurts.  
  
Better to be invisible, better not to know. But you know, and you...and YOU. YOU have no idea how much it hurts...when someone loves you...the way you are...and you hate them and you hate yourself...but you know you want to love them back.  
  
YOU. YOU want to share my pain...no. You can't. Because I...am too selfish. Because...when your pain is your bliss, you hold onto it, selfishly holding all you lies, all your faults, because if they were not there...you would not know who you are.'  
  
'ARE YOU AFRAID? YOU HAVE KILLED. SO WHAT? DOES SHE HAVE ANY RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT I FEEL? AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL REGRET? I DID WHAT I HAD TO.'  
  
(A/N: Sorry if it's really dark..hehe...also, hope you caught the switches from 'you' as an example [Kenshin referring to himself indirectly] and 'YOU' as Kaoru...)  
  
And suddenly...he hated her. He hated her for waiting so patiently; looking at him with tears in her eyes, her hand on his arm. And what was she waiting for? What answer did she want to hear? And he hated himself. He hated his words, his actions. He hated his demons, he hated his memories. He hated himself for hating her. He hated himself for feeling so evil that he would hate her pureness, her kindness. He hated her. He hated himself. He...  
  
'Am I this far gone? That the very person I wished to protect, the very person that I...am in love with...am I so insane that I can hate her as well?'  
  
"Kenshin. Please. At least look at me."  
  
Her voice. Almost enough to bring him back. But not quite. He turned his head towards her. Expressionless. Empty. And...  
  
'His eyes! They....he is...'  
  
"Kenshin!"  
  
Tears filled her eyes as she looked at him standing over her. He was not the Kenshin she knew. He was the battousai. And....  
  
"Are you going to kill me?" Tears streamed down her face, but her voice was steady. She had to bring him back.  
  
He looked at her face. Looked at the sword in his hand. The sharp side pressing against her throat.  
  
And his eyes turned violet as he gasped. Not looking at her, he let his bangs cover his eyes as the sword slid from his grasp, falling to the floor.  
  
"I...think you should leave. Kaoru-dono. I am sorry. I...will be leaving tomorrow, so please do not worry. I will not hurt you."  
  
He turned around, hearing her stand and expecting her to leave. Instead... He felt her hand on his shoulder. She had not left. Turning around, he looked at her. Her head was bowed and she was not looking at him.  
  
"Kenshin. Please do not leave. I...please don't."  
  
He put his hand under her chin, making her look at him.  
  
"I will leave. I am sorry, Kaoru..."  
  
Her sapphire eyes widened as she heard her name.  
  
'He did not say an honorific. He...'  
  
"...dono."  
  
"Kenshin. Please. Why must you leave? I...want you to stay...because..."  
  
He looked at her as she struggled to say something.  
  
"Kaoru-dono, I do not want to hurt you. If I become battousai again, I...I might."  
  
"I don't care!" The tears began to spill over again.  
  
Kenshin's eyes were a dull violet. He didn't want to leave. But he could not tell her why, that...  
  
'I love you.'  
  
But instead, his mouth opened and he asked a question.  
  
'Why?"  
  
"Because I...."  
  
She turned around, and put her hand on the doorframe.  
  
Walked out.  
  
Stopped.  
  
"Because I love you."  
  
Walked away.  
  
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OK, so now I'm just portraying Kenshin as on the verge of insanity. And I forgot the romance. Well, character torture is my specialty...hehe. No, Kenshin is not really insane. He's just insanely confused, and in tons of emotional pain. (Can you tell I've been reading my friend's books for psychology class? Hehe...) So, you thought that Kenshin would be the first to say it, eh? Well, hey, what can I say, I'm a crazy authoress. Yes, and I am sorry this chapter might not be as good as the rest. I am running out of inspiration fast. The last two chapters I wrote right after watching "Reflections" and eating tons of chocolate ice cream. But now my DVD player is broken! Argh! *kicks it across the room* So, if any of you want another, better chapter (longer, maybe, too) please, please review!! Also, I need feedback here. Should Kenshin turn battousai again?! And what which character should I add next, Yahiko or someone else? Please REVIEW!!! Chocolate ice cream to all those who review!! *brandishes carton*  
  
REVIEW PLEASE!!!!  
  
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	4. A Separate Reality

A/N: Hey, minna-san, as you can see I finally got around to updating the story...I think I must have written five drafts of this story before I decided it was good enough to post. *shrugs* dunno.......i guess I'm sorta a perfectionist...so hey, please R+R this chapter, and to those who do review, I will be giving away wonderful imaginary Sanosuke plushies! ^_^ ...since so many people are allergic to imaginary chocolate ice cream...hehe...^_^ ok, so here's chappie 4!  
  
Oh, yes, and thankyou to all my wonderful and faithful reviewer. I love you guys! ^_^  
  
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Chapter 4: A Separate Reality  
  
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Yahiko sat on the dojo roof, head tilted back to look at the sky. It was late-midnight, he guessed-, but he really didn't care. He was still trying to figure things out. It had been almost a year now since Kenshin had fought Makoto Shishio...since he told Yahiko...that no one was exactly wrong in that fight. That he and Shishio were both fighting for what they wanted, what they believed was right. How Kenshin knew that according to his own code of honor and ethics, what Shishio was doing was wrong; but that Shishio believed the same thing about Kenshin...  
  
Yahiko shook his head, eyes closed. Why couldn't he understand? Sure, he understood that Kenshin was right...but...what if he really wasn't? Of course Shishio's ideas were wrong and insanely twisted, but...but what if neither of them were correct?  
  
"Kenshin was a legendary manslayer..." Yahiko said quietly to himself.  
  
"I know I'm still only a little kid, but I know that it is wrong to kill. And...and Kenshin never actually lets on that what he did...might be affecting him in some way! He says that he does good deeds to 'atone for his sins'...but...is that really the reason? How do we know that he actually regrets killing people?"  
  
Yahiko wasn't sure what to think. He knew that he looked up to Kenshin. He knew that Kenshin seemed...nice enough. He had also observed that he was happy here at the dojo. Yahiko's mind recalled a particular rainy day, over a year ago. It was a little while before Kenshin left for Kyoto...  
  
'Kenshin is also in love with busu...'  
  
"It's so obvious! But..."  
  
He sighed. He just didn't know what to think anymore.  
  
'Maybe...I'll talk to Sanosuke. But for now...I guess it couldn't hurt to think a little longer.'  
  
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Sanosuke Sagara was slumped against a wall, half-conscious after having dosed himself with many servings too many of sake. It was strange, this drinking in order to be immune to all feelings. Sure, he always drank too much, but never because he longed to feel numb, longed to lose the pain. He closed his eyes, relishing the shroud of haze that enveloped his mind. But at the same time knowing it wouldn't last and that eventually, everything would be the same, if not worse.  
  
'Why the hell did I do this? Who am I kidding? I might as well just tell the kitsune so she can reject me and I can go on living my sorry little life somewhere else. But...why does this even make a difference to me? I mean...'  
  
'I can't think. I don't think I even know what the hell I'm doing right now. Maybe I'll just leave for a while, figure out what I'm gonna do with my life. First I've gotta say goodbye to the kitsune, get it all over with.'  
  
And in his drunken stupor, he had forgotten the whole reason he was drunk in the first place. Forgotten how he had seen the hate in her eyes, forgotten how she had harshly brushed him off. Forgotten the weight of the pain. And so, in his own clouded mind, he didn't care. And didn't want to know.  
  
And so forgot as unconsciousness took over his limp body, a brief time to forget his unwanted love.  
  
Forgot, and didn't care.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Dreams...faces...blood...  
  
So.  
  
Familiar.  
  
Kenshin sat up, gasping.  
  
'The dreams..'  
  
Remembered. "Kaoru! Did I...no. I...I couldn't have. But...I...I did."  
  
Kenshin dropped his head into his hands, bangs falling forward. In the darkness, they looked as if they had been soaked in blood. He had not left his room since he had almost...killed her.  
  
'I really almost killed her, didn't I? But she told me...'  
  
He lifted his head to stare at the ceiling.  
  
'Kaoru. You love me. Even after that, you still love me.'  
  
"Why?" It was a softly whispered question, spoken as though the answer was the very spark that kept him alive, all the hope in the world, yet still with sadness, confusion that the answer would not be good enough. A knowledge that he would never...  
  
'I will never understand. Even If she tells me, I will never understand. Will never be worthy. I am...I am a horror. A killer. A cursed man. Why? My soul...bound for hell. But she...'  
  
Kenshin stood, looking at the closed shoji.  
  
"I...need to.......think. I...I need to...do laundry."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kenshin looked at the starry sky as he scrubbed at a stain in an article of clothing. It was inky black with a thousand points of light twinkling gently. It was also late. Far past midnight. But he didn't care. He couldn't sleep with the faces. And the blood. Even if he was tired, torn.  
  
'And...scared.' It was hard to admit. He was scared.  
  
'But...what do you do if you cannot stay where you are because you will destroy others, but you cannot leave because you will hurt them just as bad? What do I do....'  
  
Finished washing the laundry, he began to hang it up to dry.  
  
'The battousai.'  
  
The thought was sudden, a sharp jolt back to the reality of what had happened not too many hours before.  
  
He sat down on the cold ground next to the empty washtub, looking at his hands.  
  
'They have killed...' 'MANY PEOPLE.'  
  
'They have taken the lives...'  
  
'OF HUMANS.'  
  
'They have felt...'  
  
'BLOOD.'  
  
White plum.  
  
You kill all night and still bring home a woman!  
  
We checked all the whorehouses. No-one has been there that matched her description.  
  
I am sorry. I was drunk.  
  
No. I want to watch you do your work.  
  
I am sorry, dearest.  
  
Blood.  
  
Blood  
  
On  
  
My  
  
Hands.  
  
His hands. They were...  
  
Kenshin stood abruptly, a spatter of blood following him.  
  
Splattering to the ground, dark spots on his gi, on his hands. Running down his face.  
  
From his scar.  
  
He began to run, he had to get the blood off, he had to stop it. It couldn't be real. It had to be a nightmare. Running. From the pain.  
  
He tripped, falling in a heap, blood streaked down his face. His body heaved in ragged breaths as he lay there, the pain returned.  
  
As he cried.  
  
His world was shattered, as he drifted back into a separate reality. For the first time in ten years, he was no longer part on the peaceful world he knew.  
  
And as this was made real, another pair of eyes were filled with pain, an understanding dawning. As a watcher saw what no watcher should have to see.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Well, there you have it. I know this chapter was a little shorter than the last one, but I think it works, right? ^_^ And please don't anyone ask me who the watcher is, if you read carefully and pay attention you will understand. Huh, I added Sanosuke in here, too. I wasn't going to, but for some reason I felt he should have at least a paragraph or two. So...what do you people think? PLEASE Review. Remember the imaginary Sano plushies..hehe....Three reviews gets a new chapter!!  
  
REVIEW!!! 


	5. Lost Forever

A/N: Yes, yes, I know it's been a while since I last updated...O_o...but I just wanted to make sure this was a good chapter...  
  
Oh, yes! *Throws out Sano plushies to all reviewers*  
  
I can't answer all my reviews since there were so many more that I expected *grins* but here:  
  
Maddy- Thanks tons for reviewing all my stories ^_^ you're the greatest!  
  
KenshinXXX- well, since you insisted your life depended on it, here's the next chappie.  
  
CrystalRenee- You've been such a great reviewer! And thankies tons for the Kenshin clone. *hugs Kenshin clone* here's a Sano plushie. *hands Sano plushie* ^_^  
  
AND ON WITH THE FIC!! Or disclaimer anyway..  
  
Disclaimer: If I had a dollar for every time I had to say I DIDN'T own Rurouni Kenshin, I would have more pocket money than I would know what to do with...*I DO NOT OWN RUROUNI KENSHIN*. Ah...another dollar...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 5: Lost Forever  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Sanosuke stood shakily, leaning heavily against the side of the building. His vision blurred then came into focus again as he tried to discern his surroundings.  
  
"Crap. Where the...hell...what did I...Crap."  
  
Mumbling partially incoherent phrases and squinting his eyes against the almost nonexistant morning light, he slumped down onto the filthy ground again.  
  
He had never had such a bad hangover in...  
  
'My whole.'  
  
He stood up again, wobbling.  
  
'Entire'  
  
Blinked his eyes very slowly and held his throbbing head.  
  
'Worthless.'  
  
Staggered out into the streets.  
  
'Life.'  
  
Sanosuke began walking. He wasn't sure where, or why. He just knew it was very early morning and he had a...Killer...Hangover.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kaoru woke up screaming.  
  
Something...was wrong...  
  
Very...wrong.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Yahiko was running.  
  
Running.  
  
From.  
  
'Everything.'  
  
'So...confusing...I just don't understand. I don't get it.'  
  
He stopped running and fell to his knees.  
  
"Why?!!"  
  
Yahiko beat his fists against the dark ground, wishing, hoping.  
  
There in the dark he didn't know. Didn't care. He didn't want reasons, or explanations. He was already cried out, but his small body rocked back and forth as he shut his eyes and wrapped his arms around his knees, telling himself that if he closes his eyes long enough, they will forget what they saw, if he covers his ears tight enough, they will no longer keep hearing the sobs.  
  
'How could he? Kenshin. I...I have never...seen him...like that. I have never...seen him...cry.'  
  
He didn't know where he was. He didn't care where he was. He just wanted to erase the knowledge that his hero-his idol...  
  
'He Cried.'  
  
Wanted never to see what was burned into his head. The images. Wanted to forget...  
  
'His scar. It bled like it...like it had been cut open only yesterday. I...'  
  
"WHY?!!!"  
  
He screamed into the night, repeating over and over, screaming until his voice was gone, screaming until he tasted blood.  
  
'Why me...I'm just...a ten-year-old...kid...'  
  
He collapsed, exhausted, curling up on the ground in the middle of the forest.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kaoru looked around. Why had she screamed?  
  
'I can't...remember...'  
  
Her thoughts trailed off as she recalled the day before.  
  
'Is he still...in his room?'  
  
She stood up, wrapping her sleeping yukata tighter around her body.  
  
'He...couldn't have left...could he...?'  
  
She slowly walked to Kenshin's room, fingers trailing behind her on the wall. She was afraid...that he wouldn't be there...  
  
"Kenshin?" Timidly, worriedly, she spoke his name aloud.  
  
No response.  
  
'Maybe...he's just sleeping...'  
  
Slowly she slid open the shoji, holding her breath.  
  
His futon was still unfolded, the blankets a twisted mess.  
  
'He wouldn't leave it like this if he really left...would he?'  
  
Kaoru turned around.  
  
"Kenshin? Where...where are you?'  
  
Panicked, she ran out onto the steps, her breath caught in her throat. What if he was hurt? What if he was...  
  
She spotted the open gate.  
  
"Kenshin!" Tears began running down her face as she ran barefoot across the yard, knowing he must have left.  
  
She tripped over something soft.  
  
Sprawled out on the cold ground she looked back.  
  
It couldn't be....it just....  
  
'Please. Let it be anything but...'  
  
She looked at Kenshin, his eyes closed and face pale, a stark contrast to the blood crusted on his face and hair. So dark it was almost...black. Kneeling, Kaoru touched his face with one finger.  
  
Cold.  
  
"No! Kenshin...please..."  
  
Sobbing, she pleaded against all hope that he would be alright. He HAD to be alright. He had to be...  
  
His eyes opened slightly, just enough so she could see them by the early morning light.  
  
She gasped.  
  
Eyes that were once a vibrant purple were now emotionless gray-blue.  
  
Kenshin's hair covered his eyes in clumps, his clothes were covered with blood.  
  
'Who's...?'  
  
Kaoru's eyes fell upon his scar.  
  
And she knew.  
  
"Oh, Kenshin. Why...why didn't you tell me something was wrong? I...I would have...'  
  
But.  
  
'What would I have done? Would I really have been able to understand?'  
  
She had never seen him like this. Never.  
  
She cradled his head in her lap as a single tear fell onto his cheek, rolling down into his scar. She wiped it away.  
  
"Gomen. I...I'll get Megumi."  
  
Before she could say anything else she was on her feet and had changed and left. She was afraid for him.  
  
"Kenshin...please...hang on..."  
  
Kenshin closed his eyes, trying not to show any emotion as he was left alone. But out of his closed eyes oozed hot, salty tears, mixing with the blood on his cheeks and eyelashes.  
  
Tears of blood...  
  
In a haze, he knew one thing. He was lost. But he didn't know if he could come back...if he could be brought back.  
  
His hand closed around something as he lay there.  
  
A flower.  
  
A purple Iris.  
  
And he was lost.  
  
Forever.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Well, how did you folks like it? ...^_^ Short, I know, but there's only so much emotional pain and torture I can pile onto the RK gang before I start crying myself. *grabs tissue* So, anyway, PLEASE REVIEW. ^_^ 


	6. Morning

A/N: Ack!! It's been SO long since I updated!! I'm really sorry, but I've just been so busy lately I haven't gotten a moment to sit down by myself and WRITE until now. It wasn't exactly that I didn't have time, but....parents...I'm sure you people know what I mean. So...*points ahead* ON WITH...THE DISCLAIMER!!!!! (Hey, I've gotta have SOME humor in this fic, right?)  
  
Disclaimer: *sings* '...those silly horoscopes.........I...guess I can't trust them after all....if I could trust them...I would own Rurouni Kenshin by now...which I don't....' ...OK, so in case that made NO sense...*points to self* ME NO OWN RK. End of story. (Now that I've gotten the "Freckles" song stuck in your heads.......*evil laugh*)  
  
(thankyous will be at the END on the fic this time.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 6: Morning ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Megumi yawned and rolled over as the banging noise penetrated the haze of sleep.  
  
"A patient? This early?" She mumbled, and began to dress in the dark. Probably some idiot who'd gotten himself injured in a bar fight. Well, she would just take her time.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Sanosuke walked along the alleyway, hands in his pockets as he thought.  
  
'Huh. I can't believe I actually got myself into this mess. Trust the rooster-head to go do something stupid like this.'  
  
Lifting his head, he looked at the sliver of sky peeking between the rooftops.  
  
Morning.  
  
'Great. I'm hardly even recovered from this stupid hangover, its morning, and...and...yeah. Just...great. I think I should take a walk or something. To clear my head.'  
  
Sanosuke smiled, and looked at the ground. A walk. Not a bad idea, considering...  
  
'Considering I've messed up so many times in the past, I suppose this won't be so hard. I'll just figure out what I'm going to say and say it. Yeah. I'll just stay away until I gather up the courage to tell her how I feel.'  
  
He began walking towards the edges of town. There was a forest there, where he could just think and not be bothered.  
  
'Problem, rooster-head. You'll be there for days at the rate you're going.'  
  
"Huh."  
  
Ignoring his thoughts, Sanosuke continued walking, every now and then grabbing his aching head.  
  
'Hangovers bite.'  
  
"Well, pal; you really are a rooster-head."  
  
And talking to himself.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Yahiko sat on a rock next to the road, his clothing tattered and dirty. It was just outside the village, but he didn't care. He didn't know why, really. He remembered the blood...remembered running...but he couldn't remember why he was at the roadside, and what had happened to him after he ran from the dojo.  
  
'Why can't I remember?!' He thought furiously, clenching his fists.  
  
His hand went to the side of his face instinctively, and he felt dried blood.  
  
:: A dark sack, men yelling. The forest floor was cold and wet. He was being dragged along inside. Suddenly they stopped. The sack fell open. ::  
  
Yahiko shook his head. All he could remember was sounds, flashes of images. He looked at the sky.  
  
Morning.  
  
'Was it really...that short a time? It seems like days. But I know I've barely been gone more than a few hours.'  
  
:: He grabbed the sword of a man standing nearby and slashed at his chest. The man screamed. Another man went down as he stabbed him through the throat. ::  
  
Yahiko's eyes widened.  
  
'I...remember...'  
  
He began laughing, a sort of hysterical laughter, but choked at the same time. Tears ran down his white face as he put his head on his knees.  
  
Now he had an excuse not to come back.  
  
'I'm just a really messed-up kid.'  
  
He kept laughing.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kaoru almost fell back as the shoji she was banging on slid open and a disgruntled-looking Megumi peered out at her through half-closed eyes.  
  
"Kaoru-chan. Why are you here so late? What...?"  
  
She paused as she took in the tears streaming down Kaoru's pale face and the streaks of blood on her sleeves.  
  
Megumi gasped.  
  
"Is it..."  
  
Kaoru's hands trembled as she spoke.  
  
"Yes. It's...Kenshin."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The sun shone brightly and the rhythmic thump of his axe was heard through the trees. He stopped and stood up, throwing it onto the pile of chopped wood. Shaking his head, he turned as he heard her come up behind him.  
  
"I am sorry to have kept you waiting."  
  
"It's alright."  
  
He looked up at the clear blue sky.  
  
"It is a beautiful day."  
  
Smiled.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
He stood on a pile of bodies, the coppery smell of fresh blood mingling with the pungency of rotting flesh. Snow fell gently around him and the pressing silence filled his ears.  
  
Cold.  
  
In his hand he clutched a flower, shriveled and dead. Its once-vibrant purple was reduced to blue-gray.  
  
An Iris.  
  
She always said it was her favorite flower because of something someone told her, once. It was strange, how she could like a flower that was unnoticeable in the sun. It seemed to melt into its rays, becoming invisible.  
  
Voices.  
  
He heard muffled cries through the veil of quiet, but they were unfamiliar. A woman. But...not Tomoe.  
  
"Who...are you?"  
  
"TELL ME!"  
  
The cries faded, leaving him with the falling snow.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kaoru looked at Kenshin as he lay deathly still on the futon. He looked the same as when she found him lying on the ground, except there was no sign he had ever been lying in blood...covered with it.  
  
She sighed and placed a hand on his bandaged cheek.  
  
"Why, Kenshin? If only you knew...how often I ask myself that...If only...it seems like ages since I told you how I felt...I never even got to hear your answer. Why? And why...why was your scar bleeding? Kenshin..."  
  
A single tear dropped onto his face, but she made no effort to wipe it away. She lay down on the hard floor next to him, too exhausted to walk, too tired to even care. As she drifted into restless sleep, her last thoughts echoed in her head.  
  
'I wonder if Yahiko is worried....'  
  
Megumi looked into Kenshin's room to see Kaoru curled up on the floor, asleep, shivering slightly. She felt a pang in her chest as she stood, watching. She looked down at the blanket in her arms. Kenshin had chosen Kaoru, and she understood, but...  
  
She turned around and continued past the room, face emotionless. Carrying the blanket with her. She understood, but she didn't have to act understanding.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The bodies were gone and he stood in an empty field. A single cross was a shadow in the distance. Not knowing why, he began running towards it, knew it was somehow important. But it kept moving, farther and farther away. He tripped and fell to the ground, feeling his scar begin to bleed.  
  
'What...?'  
  
Suddenly a presence stood over him, one he knew well.  
  
'Tomoe?'  
  
He smelled Jasmine as she lifted his chin with her finger, her hands becoming tainted with his blood.  
  
"K-Kaoru...I..."  
  
She smiled sadly at him, her blue eyes dark and strange to him.  
  
'I have made her...CRY?"  
  
Suddenly, as if being cut by an invisible knife two scars appeared on her left cheek, oozing blood. He could hear every drop as it plummeted to the hard soil beneath him.  
  
"Why, Kenshin? Why? I love you...please...let me share your pain. Please..."  
  
She took his hand as he stood up, and began walking towards the cross. This time it did not move, but stayed a still solitary figure in the mists. She looked at him and smiled, gently, and let go of his hand.  
  
Voices. Screams.  
  
She was dead, DEAD.  
  
His sword, stained with her blood. His hands. The blood. HERS.  
  
There was only a simple marker at the foot of the wooden cross. There was only a name carved out in small, painstaking letters.  
  
HIMURA KENSHIN  
  
He opened his eyes. Another dead sun. Another false morning.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Sanosuke swallowed as he surveyed the scene with shock.  
  
'No way could I be seeing this right now...'  
  
Four men lay on the forest floor, the morning sun shedding just enough light through the trees for him to see the gruesome details.  
  
'They're..........MUTILATED. How could any human DO something like that?!'  
  
A coarse woven sack lay on the ground a few yards away. It was spotted in blood, and the top was open. There was something sticking out of it.  
  
Feeling his stomach turn as he walked past the corpses and body parts strewn across the area, he knelt down next to pick up the scrap of fabric clinging to the sack.  
  
It was yellow with a black pattern.  
  
"Yahiko!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kaoru opened her eyes to find herself lying on a floor. She blinked. Remembering, she knelt and looked to her side, where Kenshin was still sleeping. He was not as pale as he had been before, but blood had soaked through the bandage on his face, forming a red cross.  
  
"Kenshin."  
  
She reached over to touch his face.  
  
"He will be asleep for quite some time yet. He lost a large amount of blood and it was cold outside, which did not help matters."  
  
Kaoru snatched her hand away and turned to look at Megumi.  
  
"Yes. I'm just...worried. Thank you so much for taking care of him and everything.......I..."  
  
Megumi waved her hand.  
  
"Oh, don't thank me." She walked away.  
  
Kaoru looked back at Kenshin just in time to see his eyes flicker open as he grabbed her hand in his.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Well, what did you folks think??!! I will not update unless I get at least FIVE reviews, so PLEASE review.  
  
Thankyous:  
  
Chiki: Hehe, as you can see, I seem to be torturing the characters more and more as I go on. *ponders* Ah, well, If I learned one thing from RK its that you hurt the eons you love. *hugs RK gang* See? I really DO love them. And yes, this fic is becoming very dark, but I PROMISE, the romance IS coming!!  
  
Crystal Renee: *hands you tissue* Its OK, Kenshin will be fine. After all, that's what Kaoru is there for-emotional support! And Thanks so much for offering to protect me from rabid reviewers. There actually aren't that many people who are reviewing this so far, but when I use my evil mind powers to make them read it and they flame me, I promise to let you beat them up. :: laughs::  
  
Kenshin XXX: Yep, Kenshin will be more or less OK in the end, though I will definitely put him through as much pain I can think of. *evil laugh* oh, yes. *hands you tissue* And yes, Kaoru WILL bring him back. Eventually... 


	7. IMPORTANT! please read

Authors note, please read.  
  
This is NOT an update, although I plan to try and get one up this week. I'm sorry for not updating in over a month, but I was sick.  
  
Also, thanks to all my wonderful reviewers, and KaoruKenshin4ever, KittyMarch, and Crystal Renee, who put me on their favorites list. Much thanks!!  
  
One last thing (if I have any fans left.): I am going to add a new character in this next chapter or the chapter after next. PLEASE VOTE on one of the characters below.  
  
-Soujiro Seta  
  
-Hiko Seijuro  
  
- Saito Hajime  
  
You can give me your votes by reviewing this author's note. I need full participation from all you nice people out there if you want another character added. IF you have another character you think might work, please put in the suggestion with your reviews. Thanks!! 


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